Today I took some time out!
I shouldn’t feel guilty for it or like I have to justify myself (although I do it), I just needed a break. Sure it’s the weekend and I have a responsibility as a parent, but today I didn’t feel responsible for anything other then trying to keep my head from going under.
My partner he has hobbies he enjoys, but I haven’t really found anything that I enjoy lately or even feel that I can be apart off. I don’t have that release to be anyone other then mum.
I’ve lost my spark for a while now and my brain is just full of so much fog, that inside somewhere is me trying to find a way out.
My partner walked in from going paddle boarding, and I walked out today. I just needed to escape the 4 walls and think about me, something that feels so alien to do. But as I started the engine in the car, I felt a sense of relief.
People assume I have spare time during the week to fill with doing “things for me” although I am free during the week. Im just not emotionally present. The anticipation of picking up my child from school and hearing the day he has had, is the loop my brain is stuck on. But during week is the days he finds hardest. So by the weekend he is ready to relax, but I am still trying to find ways to make things better for him before the new week starts.
You don’t ever get a chance to switch off!
As I wrote this, I’m sitting in the car listening to the rain hit the car roof. The sound as it hits the metal, just feels like the car is so hollow and empty like a tin can. Even when I am there to fill it.
As I stared out to sea for a brief moment in time, I just felt a little carefree. I think it was my minds way of telling me, that I need to take a step back every so often because “you can’t pour from an empty cup”
I shouldn’t feel guilty or embarrassed to say “This is hard and I need a little break”
So I’m saying here to you all ❤️ taking a step back today from my responsibilities does not make me any less of a mother.