Odd one out, the true reflection of masking.
I don’t even know where to start with this 😞
Today Harry asked me some questions about his autism. He has done this before and they have been not as intense as today was.
Today for me proved the level of masking Harry does. Especially when battling with the inner thoughts of his brain.
He said “I sometimes sit there (in class) and feel the odd one out”
Followed by “Sometimes my thoughts make me feel like I am the odd one out in our family too”
He also said he feels different to people without autism. But at the same time wasn’t sure why there are these differences between them.
He said “I just feel very different to my friends”
I know he masks at school, and sits in lessons not showing the inner web of thoughts crossing his mind underneath.
But as a parent, all those words ripped my heart in two. After I dropped him off at school I don’t think I cried as much as I have for a while. Infact I screamed because I felt upset & angry, but I didn’t really have anyone that I was angry at. I guess I felt just angry at life in these moments.
Harrys brain development in regards to thinking and learning, has always been older then his age. I guess I forget that my 7 year old, at times thinks above his age range and I was blind sided by his feelings today. Because there are elements of his development that are below his age range.
But having a brain that thinks as Harry’s does, also means the mental health side of things is very prevalent. Which I often talk about in my posts. I find when Harry goes through growth spurts. He crams knowledge and information in about a topic, which at the minute is space. He learns all there is intensely, which I feel during these growth spurts also increases other aspects of his brain activity such as self awareness.
Then for a while he will plateau and be comfortable & process the knowledge he has, untill the next growth spurt.
I know I have got to do some work with Harry, about what his autism means for him. I’m thankful he could express this to me today. Because it really has shown me how Harry masks day to day. But also the feeling he has underneath and as hard as they are to hear, I needed to hear them. Because this is his life
and from here things will continue to increase in all aspects of his self awareness. I didn’t quite expect it to be just yet.
Jessica heard him talking to me and before we got in the car to school said to him
“You’re not the odd one out, you’re the best one out Harry. “ ❤️
For now I will keep telling myself:
“Storms drive something out of us, that calm seas don’t”